Insuring your buttocks could require a big premium

Given that Jennifer Lopez was reportedly able to insure her buttocks for a million dollars, and British food critic Egon Ronay had his taste buds insured for $400,000, I couldn’t help but wonder how much I could get for my legs, which my wife has often referred to as “cute” after a few glasses of wine.

After filling out the necessary paperwork and submitting a photo, it turns out my legs have a combined net worth of just over $68.50.

That’s according to Lloyd’s of London, which assured me their appraisal was pretty much the going rate for hairy-legged, 50-year-old, non-celebrities whose wives admire their husband’s legs while mildly intoxicated. As you can imagine, I was absolutely shocked by the insurance company’s appraisal of my legs’ value, and immediately responded by firing back a letter telling them — in no uncertain terms — to sign me up before they changed their mind. 

That’s right. For just $100 a month, I have the security of knowing that in the event of an accident, my legs — just like our vehicles and home — will be assessed by an experienced claims adjustor and immediately declared a total loss.

No matter how minimal the damage.

That’s because, in each case, I’ve already paid more into the policy than I’ll ever get back.

For example: Both of our cars are over 15 years old. Neither of them has full coverage. Each costs us about $500 a year to insure. And, according to the Blue Book reference chart, their combined net value is still worth less than the premium on my legs. In fact, the only way I might be able to break even with all these policies is if the following were to happen:

While using one car to tow the other, my legs suddenly caught fire, causing me to drive both vehicles directly into the side of our house.

The point is my legs shouldn’t be any less valuable than, say....Michael Flatley’s, which Lloyd’s of London insured for $25 million.

Okay, sure. He is “Mr. Lord of the Dance.”

And yes, his legs can do things mine could only do if I were dancing barefoot on a mound of writhing scorpions covered with cooking spray. At the same time, I’ve seen the Riverdance video. As impressive as it was, my footwork in a video taken of me trying to run past the water sprinkler while carrying our two cats was equally impressive. (And, if I may add, a lot more dangerous.)

In fact, plans are being made to release this exciting video, which includes footage of:

* My sprinkler dance with the cats.

* Our neighbors making tourniquets.

* Me riding in an ambulance.

* All of this performed to the dramatic musical score of “Cat Scratch Fever.”

As an added bonus, the first 100 people to buy Sprinklerdance will also get a free documentary about skin grafts.

That said, I must issue a disclaimer telling anyone who watches this video NOT to attempt Sprinklerdancing at home. Unfortunately, this warning came too late for one celebrity who received an advanced copy. The good news is, seeing that her buttocks were already insured for a million dollars, she’s expected to make a full recovery.

The cats, however, are another story.

Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. Write to him at [email protected]